he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
