So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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