Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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