cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
