Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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