also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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