Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
