you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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