I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
