Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
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it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
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I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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