I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
