I can text with my tongue
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
