i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
