i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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