One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
