Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
