yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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