I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
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You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
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Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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