Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
