The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
