made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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