Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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