im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have already put on my inside pants.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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