He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
