There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I met the friendliest cop last night
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
