don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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