Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize