i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
