I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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