I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
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He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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