Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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