I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
