$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
