New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Randomize
