can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
