so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
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btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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