nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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