Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
