1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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