overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
