i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
