had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
