Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i now understand why vodka
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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