I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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