Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
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there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
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He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.