How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
