I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
