Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
