Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
