I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
