she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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