So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
