I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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