did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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