I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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