My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
