i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
