then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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