it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
