I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
